The Vestibulitis Diary – Part 3: Sadness

8 Days Before Surgery

 Vestibulitis Diaries, part 3

Over two years ago I acquired VVS [Vulvar Vestibulitis Syndrome]. Though I didn’t know I had it until I ended up self-diagnosing one night at 3 in the morning, madly typing symptoms into Google.

It has been two years of feeling like I am burning inside, feeling raw, red hot, excruciatingly sensitive. It makes certain movements painful, certain items of clothing, certain actions. For a while there it took over my life, every day I would set my time around dealing with or avoiding pain. I went through physical therapy every week for a year, tried topical agents, nerve blockers etc.

I learned that a surgery had a good chance of fixing it. I ended up having to fight tooth and nail for that as well, enduring ignorance, denial, and outright disregard. I screamed on paper and shook the big trees and got my authorization.

Yesterday I got the surgery scheduled. On Wednesday, October 17th 2007 I go in to get this reactive tissue excised from me.

A week away. A week from now I will be up wondering what tomorrow will be like. Wondering and daring to hope that the burning sensation will be rid of for good.

The pictures for this next week will all about sickness, health, sorrow, hope, and anticipation.

Tonight’s picture is one of sadness. I hurt and was misdiagnosed for months. Simply stated, not knowing what is wrong is a terrible place to be. Everything that once seemed logical ceased to be. Cuts healed themselves and colds were like storms that swelled and passed by, but this thing remained and plagued me, scared me, and made me feel broken. I could reach out and define the lines of my parameters, but I could not heal.

Next entry – Tools of the Trade

 This is the story of Arashi, visual artist, writer and sex-positive vestibulitis patient and her surgical choice to heal her condition.


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