The Vestibulitis Diary – Part 18: Out of Sync

Day 200 After Surgery

Vestibulitis Diaries, part 18 - Out of Sync

6 months out from the Vestibulectomy surgery and things are still not completely fine. I had recovered a lot. There was a lot of residual sensitivity that faded. The stitches are gone. The stress induced hematomas went away. I was very thankful to have all those painful things gone.

But now is my battle against scar tissue. Before there had been constant burning pain, where even a light touch would feel like my tissues were on fire. I can now easily touch the issues and not feel that horrible pain. But now, if I press down on the scar tissue it feels similar, to a much lesser degree. It can get maddening because the scar is in the same place the pain was, and I am left with the same questions about whether or not it will ever fade.

I still have hope because I can make the tissues work. Before the pain was constant, strong, and unyielding. Now I can mitigate it with a lot of work. Relaxation techniques, stretching, time, love and attention. I still have a plethora of issues about my value as a woman. I work hard to undo the feeling of “damaged property”, and still wonder who would really take me on “as is”.

I miss the ease I once had, the days when things were completely painfree and happy. Sometimes I try to be more spontaneous, like I once was, and am rewarded with the old familiar sting.

I get frustrated and cry and he holds me and tells me how much progress I have made, and this is my life.

Next entry: Finale

This is the story of Arashi, visual artist, writer and sex-positive vestibulitis patient and her surgical choice to heal her condition.

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