Election Blues and Reds

Whether you’re a US citizen or not, not a person on this little earth could possibly miss the fact that Tuesday is American election day.

The two sides and the corporations behind them will have you think that it’s about right and left, conservative and progressive, free market and socialization, and various other macro-forces that have swayed for hundreds of years in every free land. But, in America on Tuesday this is just the backdrop. The truth is, it’s all about sex.

For anyone who doesn’t know this and is still considering which way to go, or whether to make the effort at all, consider that the future of sex is in your hands. No less.

Here’s the real story behind the ballots. There are reds and blues. Reds are conservatives, or Republicans. In some sub-cultures, calling someone a conservative is a horrible thing to do, but apparently in the US, especially in the Southern parts, its a birthright. Reds probably don’t like sex. They certainly don’t like other people having it. They say that they don’t like it to happen before marriage, but they have it about as much as the blues do before marriage, only they get pregnant more often.

Unlike the blues who believe that babies are made by sex, the reds believe that babies are made by God. Unlike the blues who think that babies are prevented by contraception, they think that babies are prevented by a woman’s body knowing that she is being raped.

People tend to refer to the difference between red and blue as an ideological rift, but research tends to point to the difference being mostly one of information. There’s also something about the obsessive need to possess guns, but I’ll submit that that is about sex too (and the need for education that big guns will not make ones penis any longer).

If you get confused, you can try using a simple comparison from the movie world. Blue movies are problematic in many ways, but they are a growing reality. Red movies are just sick and no good comes of them.

Now off you go to vote, my American friends. And by all means, feel free to follow your head and your heart. And your ovaries and uterus and testicles, because they are what will be flung around on Capitol Hill for the next four years, so you might want to consider whose hands you’d rather they were handled by.

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