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Thrashing Out the Thrill of Kinky Sex

Its names are as varied and as imposing as the range of activities that fall under this style of sexual pleasure. The vague term “kinky sex”, once better known as S&M (Sado-Masochism), has now been given the revamped and inclusive title BDSM, which stands for Bondage, Dominance-Submission, Sadism and Masochism. That’s quite a mouthful and it doesn’t even include the mouthpiece.

BDSM, perhaps as much as porn, has been given a tremendous boost by the internet. The web allows people to meet up and discuss ideas in chatrooms, to find each other discreetly, and to buy equipment without exposure. Needless to say, communities around the world are flourishing.

To BDSM practitioners, those who do not play along are known as “vanilla”, a not so subtle suggestion that sex without kink is like ice-cream without flavour. So much for openness.

There are many reasons why people come to try out BDSM and why they stay for more. Apart from satisfying one’s curiosity for a whole new side to sexual behaviour, BDSM boosts physiological and psychological thresholds to increase the sexual enjoyment and fulfill other psychological needs.

Pain

Many people see pain as the icon of BDSM, but in fact this is not an essential element. The fear and anticipation of pain as well as the pain itself release endorphins, which can trigger a sense of pleasure and embellish orgasms.

Role Play

Role play is a fun and simple way to enjoy sex with a partner and keep it innovative. It exists with and without BDSM but the line between the two can very blurred because a lot of role play involves motives of power, such as teacher and student or policeman and prostitute.

Control

When properly done, BDSM involves willingly relinquishing control of one’s body and accommodating the partner’s commands. There are two sides to this – the dominant (who assumes control) and the submissive (who relinquishes it). It is not obvious that the one doing the hurting is in control, nor is it necessarily their wishes that are central.

Although some people play both dominant and submissive roles, with time individuals tend to favour one role over the other.

Many practitioners use the opportunity of BDSM to play out a role other than that which they carry out in their daily lives, in other words, they find an outlet for their tension and frustration in sex play. This, by the way, is something that happens, in one form or another, to most lovers because sex tends to evoke very deep feelings and expressions. Many claim that BDSM is a healthy and fair way of restoring a good mental balance.

Paraphernalia

One of the most recognisable expressions of BDSM is the apparatus which can – but does not have to – cost a fortune and be designed specially for this purpose. From the characteristic riding crop and fluffy handcuffs, to leather and latex clothes and even to dungeons filled with harnesses and power tools, BDSM ranges from light to hard-core, from spontaneous to engineered and from sexy to grotesque.

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Because of the risk involved, whether due to pain, or role play that gets out of hand, or due to stress from humiliation (for either side), rules of conduct generally allow for an “escape” code word that brings all play to an immediate halt. Further rules need to be agreed on before commencing the play, in order to protect the safety and respect the limits of everyone involved.

Different couples and groups define their own laws of engagement. Talking over the options before hand is a good way to feel safe and to feel free to relinquish control to a trusted partner.

Read more about rules of engagement for BDSM


2 comments on “Thrashing Out the Thrill of Kinky Sex

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  4. Taryn, London on said:

    I actually really like vanilla icecream :)
    I do hear you on the vanilla/bdsm divide.
    A lot of vanilla’s out there feel that bdsm is just another word for ‘abuse’ and a lot of bdsm’ers look down their nose at people who quite like regular sex.
    It shouldn’t be a competition however. BDSM relies on the same kind of trust and intimacy that Vanilla have put a claim on.
    And alternatively, if spanking or ties don’t turn you on, then they sure aren’t going to enhance your life.
    Variety and spice comes in many forms.

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