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Is Mazaltov in Order, Jesus?

A week, a month or a year from now we may learn that the whole thing was a forgery, but for now, I’m climbing on the “Jesus was married” bandwagon to put forward a terribly obvious point that the others seem to be missing.

According to a papyrus fragment that found its way to Harvard Professor Karen King, Jesus was reported to speak of his wife, and what’s more, to recommend her for Harvard, or at least the equivalent institution of the time, saying that she “would be able to be his disciple”.

In an unlikely turn, I would like to offer a theory that could leave the Harvard Professor with full credit for her finding, while salvaging the Catholic Church’s pride and integrity. Not to mention protecting it from about 100,000 lawsuits from dangerously-uptight flock members.

The Church is pissed, to say the least. How could anyone undermine the understanding that Jesus may not have been celibate, because two thousand years of tradition has kept a whole lot of priests, nuns and monks away from human love (with the exception of a weekly homosexual scandal and whatever those nuns do behind those naughty cloaks)?

HELLO! Since when does being married mean you’re gettin’ it? Ever heard of Asexuals? Closet gays? Marrying her for the family money? Marrying him for the great dinner parties he throws?

Here are the hard facts. Newsweek found that between 15–20% of married couples had zero to ten sexual encounters a year. That is rare enough to be considered a sexless marriage. USA Today found that 30-50% of women and 20-30% of men claimed to have little or no sex drive. A study from Georgia State University found that 15% of married couples had not had sex in the previous 6 months.

So for the love of God, and sex, for that matter, why are so many people so threatened about the possibility that Jesus and Mary Magdalene might have said “I do”, when so many of us know how often “I do” leads to “sorry dear, I can’t tonight*” ? Its not as if he had unlimited online porn in all flavours to take his mind away from all those pure thoughts.

*or this week / this month / the foreseeable future / in all eternity.


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