It is surprisingly common how many women do not experience orgasm. If you are having sex without orgasm, maybe you are satisfied and that is good enough for us. But there are many women who never speak up about the frustration they feel at not being sufficiently aroused, or at being aroused, but just not getting where they feel they should be. It can make sex uninteresting and worse, it sometimes leads women to fake orgasms.
The fact that so many women only find their orgasm around age 30, teaches us a few things about this allusive peak. It’s not only about how long and hard you try to find your orgasm, which partner you have, and how cooperative they are. It`s also about feeling at peace with your body and knowing how to let go of everything. Just releasing yourself from expectation, control and self-consciousness.
Theoretically, every woman has the mechanics to have an orgasm if she wants to and is willing to learn how. There are a few extreme cases where trauma has caused massive damage to the genitals or the psyche, for example female genital mutilation or rape, but some studies have found that even women without a clitoris or women who are paralyzed can experience a form of orgasm. This shows us that the stimulation may need to come from the clitoris or wherever the body responds well to touch, but the experience of orgasm is in the mind.
So let’s start at the very beginning. Like learning the piano, you start with scales and build up to tunes and eventually to masterpieces. Unlike piano lessons, masturbation is far more gratifying than do-re-mi; in other words, as learning goes, masturbation is such as indulgence that many orgasm graduates will keep it as part of the standard repertoire. Giving yourself an orgasm should be something a person enjoys even when they have an active sex partner, not to mention something they can generally be sure of achieving.
Women describe a huge range of styles to get themselves off. Not only the clitoris, but the vulva responds well to massage, as does the perineum, the anus, and just about everywhere that there is skin. For a woman who is struggling to discover her latent orgasm, the idea is to aim for the Bull`s Eye, focusing on the clitoris, where the nerve headquarters sits.
If direct stimulation with a finger does not set the fireworks off, then a vibrator can take the revs up a bit. For a pre-orgasmic woman, a vibrator will not “spoil” the body and raise its stimulation expectation level, but will in essence teach the body how to have orgasms. Once a woman learns what she likes and responds to (how much time and what atmosphere suits her, what thoughts or fantasies serve her orgasmic build-up), once she becomes mentally attuned to letting go and accepting the tide of feelings that the process creates, her body will learn to ease into orgasms with less effort and under a wider range of conditions.
Getting your body in condition for sexual enjoyment has nothing to do with your exterior shape, but it does have something to do with keeping fit and training the vaginal ring muscles (Kegels). A regular workout will push up your desire levels and get your blood flow going, which will come in use when you start a sexual workout. Learn more about Kegel exercises.
During masturbation and other sexual stimulation, watch your breathing, not obsessively, but just remind yourself not to hold your breathe, which sometimes happens with the anticipation of orgasm. Deep breathing encourages the blood flow to continue gushing and when you do reach orgasm, it allows for a sensation of spreading the pleasure rather than creating a short, sharp peak. You may want to experiment with different forms of breathing before and during orgasm, to learn the different sensations that you can experience by doing this little manipulation.
So whether you are getting that clitoral stimulation from a toy, strong water flow or from human touch, partner the physical sensation with sexually exciting thoughts (otherwise known as fantasy) that allow you to let go of mechanical thoughts about the direct sensations and take you into a more erotic, stimulating state of mind. If you find your mind wondering to thoughts about housework, calories consumed today and how many you are currently burning off or why the hell you aren’t feeling that damn orgasm getting any closer, flip channels to something more sensual, switch on a soundtrack with your mental iPod and ease yourself back on track. From this point, it is just a matter of practice – both for your body and your mind.
If a woman feels fully at ease and without pressure in the company of a lover, it may be the way to discover your sexual responses as a team. For a large proportion of women who are having problems reaching orgasm, the partner in their lives and the relationship between them, serve as extra hurdles to that self discovery. In these cases, taking a solo run will be key.
Once you have mastered your own domain, you can try to find your orgasms with a partner. For some women, having a lover arouse them will be the catalyst that they need, because for example, the touch of another person that they are sexually attuned to, can be the ultimate turn on. For other women, trying to have an orgasm with their lover pressuring them, or with an egotistic lover intervening and interrogating her every sensation, is like trying to swim and cycle at the same time.
Question: A woman needs a man like…?
Read about Finding Your Multiple Orgasm