One of the words that the world associates with safe sex is Durex. They are not necessarily that last word in condoms, but they’ve done their damndest to make their name what it is. Sexual behaviour surveys, lubricants, vibrators and now, Funderwear. Their adverts are fantastic but their surveys are scientifically dubious, the lube is sticky, the vibrators are run of the mill and the funderwear…. where do I start?
Funderwear is the latest version of a not-so-new idea to control one’s partner’s vibrator from afar: vibrating electrodes placed in his and her underwear that are controlled by the partner’s cell phone. A whole new level of safe sex – giving each other orgasms when you’re on opposite sides of the world. The theory is great, but the practice is about as awkward as two virgins trying to wear their first condom.
Can sex really be deconstructed to 6 points in each other’s underwear (more for women, because we get to be buzzed in the bra area too)? “Well, that spot isn’t doing it for me, perhaps one inch over, honey”. If only our erotic senses were that crude, we’d all be home orgasming all day long.
Vibrating underwear has been around for years. Granted, the interactive angle on the Funderwear is edgier. But let’s be honest, imprecise vibrating that is not steered by the recipient is likely to be not much more than titillating and highly entertaining for one night. This is the reason that vibrators come in a thousand shapes, textures and functions; they need to find the exact spot, follow it as it moves ever so slightly and give it the correct measure of stimulation at any given moment. Who could possibly know how to do it correctly but the person who is feeling it.
So here’s a thought from the resident sex educator: instead of accessing fancy, expensive technology to do remote sexual guesswork on your partner, why not each buy yourselves a sex toy that works for you, and use it in tandem while watching each other on Skype. Call me a techie-phobe, call me a party pooper. It just seems to make more sense to spend your well-earned money on something you’ll use more than once.
And speaking of reusing, will those electrified underpants need a gentle cycle or dry cleaning after delivering their long-distance pleasure ride? Or perhaps, the ultimate plan is to wear a condom underneath to keep things clean. An ironic reminder that behind all this is a brand that we used to take seriously.