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Virginity & the First Time

Ask Dinah your question

I am 23 and in a relationship for more than 4 years and we are ready to have sexual intercourse but i was scared that it will cause pain. When we started experimenting found that the penis enters a little bit inside and it start paining and doesn't go deep inside. So i push him away. He gets angry and frustrated. So we started with fingering bt when he does that, inside my vagina it burns like hell and i feel uncomfortable. Please give me suggestion to avoid this problem.

Dinah answers: Your experience in not so uncommon. If you are experiencing pain, you should not continue doing as you are, in the hope that it will work itself out. The only thing that I would suggest you try is to have him finger you using lots of lubricant. If it feels okay, he can slowly go from one finger, to two and three, then you could try penetration, but not all on the same day, take it slow. From what you describe, you may need further help. There are physiotherapists that specialize in the pelvic floor muscles. They can examine you and help you work on stretching those vaginal muscles. The key is to do it slowly and not to cause further trauma, because each time that you try and feel pain, you increase the chances that you will tighten up in the future, and so you create a vicious cycle. As for your partner, he is going to have to show patience. Perhaps you can get him a penis sleeve which you can use together to help him orgasm without intercourse.

Hello, i'm a virgin but my boyfriend and I fool around alot, he fingers me. I'm concerned because I think my hymen may have broke but there was no blood, when he started fingering me a few weeks ago it would hurt in the beginning and he wouldn't be able to use more than one finger because it would be tender until a few minutes would pass. Then the next few days I would be really sore right in that general area. Tonight he fingered me again but it didn't hurt at all even when he tried two fingers. I also want to know, if my hymen is broken or damaged, will I still bleed when I lose my virginity (if I bleed at all).

Dinah answers: The sensitivity or soreness that you felt has nothing to do with your hymen, it is the vaginal muscles being stretched. It is possible that you were fingered and did not tear your hymen, it is also possible that your hymen was torn or weakened at other time. In any case, you cannot be sure that you will bleed when you first have sex, but if you don’t remember seeing any blood, even just a few drops, this time or previously, it is possible. What is important to know is that virginity is not about bleeding and hymen, it is about choosing to having intercourse for the first time.

my boyfriend and I had our first time yesterday but I want to know if I'm still a virgin cause I'm not sure if I still am or not. My boyfriend went in but when he did it hurt there were a couple of times we would stop cause it would start hurting him but there was to a point where we tried again it hurt but at the same time I felt pleasure I even moaned when I got home I saw a lil blood and even today this morning I'm still bleeding a lil does this mean it broke?

Dinah answers: Yes, that is exactly what it means! Your first time was pretty typical.

Is it normal 4 my gf to bleed for more than 3days after breaking her virginity, coz now I'm getting worried ?

Dinah answers: Usually bleeding from the hymen does not hurt, it bleeds as long as the area takes to heal from the tear, and each person’s hymen is attached differently – so some tear with ease and others cause more trauma when they tear. Although most females bleed for a few hours, if at all, some will bleed for a few days. If she feels ill or painful after a few days she should let a doctor check her up.

I have never had sex but when i tried having sexual intercourse with my boyfriend i saw drops of blood but we had not gone any deeper,am i still a virgin?

Dinah answers: It sounds like your hymen was torn, so in the traditional sense of the term, you have lost your virginity. I believe that virginity is really about when you first choose to have intercourse, so it would be up to you to decide whether what happened on that occasion was a complete act, or just an attempt that you did not complete properly. Keep in mind that some women bleed with ease, they may even bleed from riding a bicycle; this does not necessarily mean they are no longer virgins.

I'm 20 and a virgin, i was masturbating and i squirted. i did not inserting any fingers inside my vagina or anything and am wondering how is it possible for virgins to squirt ? does it mean i broke my hymen ?

Dinah answers: Some women squirt (otherwise known as female ejaculation) when they orgasm. It is absolutely natural and doesn’t mean anything about you other than you are capable of reaching a very powerful orgasm. If you are able to orgasm with only clitoral stimulation, then you are not in any way interfering with your hymen and it is probably still intact. Keep in mind that virginity is not always the same as having an intact hymen. Read more on this here

I am really nervous about having sex for the first time, but not so much about the pain or anything, but afterwards and anyone seeing me naked. NO ONE, not even my doctor has seen any part of me, and I know that I am tall, have a more womanly figure, and am generally pleased with my own body, but I still don't want anyone to see me. I even asked one of my more promiscuous friends who is almost as flat as a boy and she, not to be mean, is not as pretty as me. She said that she thought of it as, we criticize our own bodies because we can stare as long as we want, but with the passing glances guys get, a woman's body is the utmost temple. It sounds like an incredible mantra but it didn't help enough...HELP! i'm so sexually frustrated.

Dinah answers: I want to tell you that before you have sex with someone, especially your first time, you should be comfortable enough with the person and the choice to overcome this insecurity. But the truth is, we live in a culture of photoshopped models and starved celebrities that make us expect perfection from our looks, when it is completely unrealistic, anti-diversity and often unhealthy. So without trying to change what may be deeply-seated body image problems, let’s just remember a few points. Your partner is probably not Brad Pitt either, and he’ll be much more focused on what you’re thinking about his moves than checking you out. Also, naked is hot. If you are turned on and ready for it, the uncovered human body is exciting and it is much more exciting when it is unashamed. I’d say that confidence is sexier than most other things. So if you cannot go ahead with it without feeling awkward, acknowledge your feelings and take a step back. You won’t enjoy having sex if you are so self-conscious, so why do it? It may even set up bad patterns and leave you even more confused in future. You may be sexually frustrated, but I’d bet what you’re feeling is just frustrated. Masturbation will help with the former, and building your confidence in yourself and your partner will help with the latter.

i wanna know if a virgin can squirt or not and if the answer is 'yes', from where does it ejects ? is it harmful for her or not ? thanks

Dinah answers: The squirting that you are probably referring to is female ejaculation. It can happen to any woman, no matter how much experience she has, although it is much more common among women who have worked on reaching orgasm through masturbating their G-spot. It is in no way harmful. At worst it is messy and at best, extremely pleasurable.

My boyfriend always enters his middle finger (one finger only) inside my vagina but last time some blood came out. i just want to know if my hymen is torn or where did this blood come from and why i had no blood before only this time. i am so worried i don't want to tear my hymen before my marriage. please answer me in details.

Dinah answers: It is hard to say what the source of this blood is. If it is blood from your hymen, it would be bright red, like a fresh cut, because it is in fact skin tearing. This might hurt a bit for some, but for others it doesn’t hurt at all. It could also be just a drop or an ongoing bleed. But there is another option. This could be some menstrual spotting, which happens to a lot of women between periods. It doesn’t mean anything, and might be caused by something hormonal. If so, this blood would tend to be darker. If this is the case, this drop may have gone unnoticed, but because your boyfriend’s finger was close to your cervix, it could have brought it to your attention so much more easily. I understand and respect your wish to stay a virgin until marriage, but just remember that you don’t have complete control over the integrity of your hymen. It could stay in place until you have your first penetrative sex, or it could be torn by riding a bike, certain sports or perhaps fingering. It all depends on how strong your hymen is. There are some women who experience no bleeding from the tearing of the hymen. What I’m trying to say is that keeping a hymen intact is one thing and being a virgin is another. Having said that, if you are left uncomfortable because of this experience, you should speak to your boyfriend about stimulating your clitoris in future, instead of inserting a finger into the vagina. The sensation will be far stronger, and this way he wont go anywhere near the hymen. Read more on Virginity and Hymens

I'm 18 and I'm still a virgin. I have to situations that worry me greatly: 1. I've been fingered a few (4 or 5) times before and it has always been a bit uncomfortable but i have never bled. A few days back my current boyfriend fingered me and I bled so I thought he broke my hymen but when he did it again today I bled again. So I'm guessing he did not break it that time before. He was a bit rough both times and I felt discomfort but nothing out of the ordinary or that I couldn't handle. Once his finger was inside the discomfort was less intense until it went away. When it hurt a bit more was when he inserted the finger(s). The blood that came out both times was a bright red it wasn't dark or anything. The first time he fingered me I bled the whole day after but very little. After that instead of blood what came out was a brownish substance but then it stopped. Is this normal? Is the bleeding normal? Will I bleed every time I'm fingered? (BTW; I don't think it has anything to do with my period because the first bleeding stopped and because I finished my period on December 16 so I'm not due for some time now.) 2. Also before my current boyfriend I tried to have sex before but the penis didn't penetrate my vagina and it hurt as if something were tearing. It felt as if my vaginal walls wouldn't let him go inside. Does this mean my vaginal opening is too small? Does it mean my current boyfriend won't be able to penetrate either? Is there any way to make my vaginal opening wider? I would really appreciate any advice you could give me. These things really worry me allot. I'm afraid they may be signs of something more serious. And I wouldn't know what or how to ask a gynecologist.

Dinah answers: It is possible from your description that your hymen is thicker than usual. This happens naturally to some women, and it means that they can either have trouble being penetrated, or they can be penetrated but feel pain a few times until the hymen tears completely. Another possibility is that your boyfriend is being a bit rough or scratching you by mistake. I would recommend that you visit a gynecologist who will be able to confirm in a few seconds. If this is the case, and there remains some thick hymen tissue, the gynecologist can cut it away, carefully and with pain killers, and this will be safer and more comfortable than being torn by your partner’s finger or penis. Another reason to have a check-up with a gynecologist or a pelvic floor physical therapist would be to see if you haven’t developed a negative response to being hurt. Women who experience pain during sex or sexual touch sometimes tend to tighten up their vaginal muscles in fear of the pain that they expect. This cycle, called Vaginismus, could also be responsible for your difficulty with penetration. It is best to be checked up by a professional and you’ll avoid complications and further discomfort. All you need to do is request a check up and explain that you have pain and bleeding when a finger is inserted. She or he will ask whatever questions are necessary and will take it from there. Of course you may be nervous visiting a gynecologist for the first time, so consider taking a friend or female family member along, and write a list of questions in advance, starting with those you have written here. They are all good questions and you will get answers for everything, if you remember to ask (most of us leave our doctors offices and then remember a bunch of questions we intended to ask – this is what happens when you are under stress). Good luck!

After losing my virginity, can i become a virgin again? I'm 21 and i did sex it with several guys.

Dinah answers: Your virginity is a concept that describes not having had sex. If you are referring to repairing your hymen, this is a different issue. The hymen has been used as a sign of virginity for centuries, because its the easiest method that men had of checking whether or not a female had had sex, but it is not a very accurate method. By that I mean that there are women who have not had sex but have a torn hymen and there are women who have had sex and yet their hymen is not fully torn. There are operations to restitch a torn hymen, but unless a torn hymen is going to endanger you (for reasons that you know), I strongly advise not considering it. It is a lie that you will carry around with you forever, and if you plan to go into a relationship lying, why not just say that you tore your hymen riding a bicycle or a horse? You will save yourself the cost and risk of an operation, which will be completely overturned the first time you have penetrative sex afterwards. As for your question about virginity being restored, you cannot take back what has happened, it is part of your experience and your lessons in life, for good or for bad. As far as rape goes, I personally do NOT consider forced sex as an act which ends one’s virginity; virginity involved making the choice to allow another person to share your body.

I'm 16, and I haven't had sex. My boyfriend and I tried but he said I was too tight. How do I make myself more loose? Is there anything I can do?

Dinah answers: Are you ready to have sex or is it he who is ready? If you are ready for sex, you can build up to it by getting both your mind and your body prepared. When you are ready, you are stimulated and well-prepared by foreplay, you will probably be well lubricated and this will help with penetration. You can start by having your partner insert a few fingers or try a inserting a mid-sized dildo. Sure, the first time is still almost always sore because the vaginal muscles need to stretch, but being relaxed, well-lubricated and with a patient partner make it easier.

I just started having sex about two weeks ago. the most recent was 6 days ago, and about 3-4 days ago i started getting a brown/ reddish blood in my underwear. im suppose to start my period this week and im always a little off on it. but i thought i was going to start today because i had bled alot on my pad but now im barely bleeding. is this normal after your first time?

Dinah answers: Many females get bacterial infections after having sex for the first time. Infections can lead to some coloured discharge and burning. They are generally harmless and pass on their own, but you should give yourself a break from sex if this is in anyway uncomfortable. If you are irregular, the excitement and perhaps stress involved could well be interfering with your cycle. But as long as you are sexually active, you must always be aware that there is a possibility of pregnant. Even the best system of contraception is never 100%, so just keep an eye on that option.

I had sex for the 1st time with my boyfriend a few days ago, is it normal to have more discharge than normal after wards? And/or semen residue on my panties? Everyday there's been a bit of discharge, and today there was a bit of semen and I just want to know if its normal..?

Dinah answers: For a few hours after sex it is normal to have the semen leak out (if no condom was used). If you fall asleep afterwards, it will happen the next morning or in the hours after you get up and start moving around. Whatever is being discharged a few days later is not semen, but more likely to be your body responding to the novelty of sex. When you have sex for the very first time, and especially when he ejaculates inside you, your vagina is being exposed to many new organisms that upset its bacterial balance. This often causes bacterial infections that bother you for a few days but pass on their own. It is best to avoid sex until it passes, or use a condom, if you are not too uncomfortable to have sex again.

I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time about two weeks ago. It hurt my first time and I bled really dark for a week after the act. Then I woke up yesterday to burning pains in my genital region. I assumed it was a Urinary Tract Infection so I drank a lot of cranberry juice and took Urinary Tract relief pills. I felt totally better so my boyfriend and I had sex. Then I woke up this morning with fleshy pieces coming out of my vagina. What the heck is this? It's not blood it is basically three pieces of flesh where my vaginal opening is. I can feel it when I touch them. It is scaring me I've never heard of anything like this before but I want it to go away. Help?

Dinah answers: A lot of first timers experience pain for a few days, bleeding for hours or days, and it is also very common for females to develop urinary tract infections after the first time. You acted very wisely as far as this goes. The flesh pieces that you describe are probably parts of the hymen which have come loose or are still just barely attached and will fall away sometime soon. The first time can be quite a trauma for the vagina, and you can be torn or scratched inside as well as at the entrance and the hymen. Some of the the discharged matter could be scabs or dead tissue that is part of the healing process. It is probably a sign that you should give your body a few more days to heal. If you have any worries about pain or bleeding, or if you feel sore when you start penetration, you shouldn’t continue. You can move to what is called “outer-course” – external stimulation, body massage, masturbation. This way you can still enjoy without putting pressure on your sore parts. It is important to keep in mind that once you’ve gone ahead and had sex for the first time, you don’t have to have sex every time you get sexual. Keep up the sex play, with lots of “foreplay” and things will stay more interesting.

now i m 19 years old, and my hymen width is so small. Is it possible that after 8 year without having sexual intercourse, my hymen or (vagina) width can grow (bigger) or not? Does hymen width depend on the age or not?

Dinah answers: I am quite puzzled how you are able to assess the width of your hymen, since this is something that only a doctor or midwife (or the likes) can check accurately. If you are referring to the width of your vagina at the entrance, more or less where your hymen is situated, then I can tell you that there is no relationship between size and age (once you are grown up). If you do not stretch your vagina by having sex or inserting large objects, it is going to stay the same size more or less. If you never do Kegel exercises, it may lose its muscle tone as the years go by, and it may feel looser. So get started on those exercises, even if you don’t plan to be sexually active for a while.

I had the habit of inserting about one inch of my finger inside my vagina to clean the traces of period. only recently I learned that there is a thing called hymen, which can be torn by fingering. my finger is about 1.5cm wide. Im virgin. But, is my hymen safe? will it bleed when i have sex??

Dinah answers: The hymen is like a ring around the circumference of the vagina. It is typically quite elastic, so it can handle a certain amount of stretching. For some women this means they can use tampons for years and insert fingers (even more than one) without it tearing or breaking, it simply stretches. For other women, a tampon, a finger or even a bicycle ride can tear the hymen. When it tears it usually bleeds, so this may be when you have intercourse for the first time and it may be torn very innocently and a-sexually. It is important to know that if your hymen is fragile enough to tear from touching or rubbing, it will most likely tear anyway from some everyday activity. There is nothing you can do to avoid it (unless you avoid living your life) and that is why expecting a woman to bleed after breaking her virginity is a very inaccurate and problematic expectation. You’ll only know if you’re going to bleed when you decide to have sex.

i made the biggest mistake of my life.. my ex boyfriend talked me into sex.. i had sex 4 times... he left me... its more than a year now.. will my future husband come to know if im not a virgin? will a doctor other than a gynaecologist come to know if im not a virgin? thats if im marrying a doctor.

Dinah answers: As you say, a gynaecologist can know from an examination, with a good degree of certainty, if you have had penetrative sex. Other doctors do not have experience with the vaginal area (except for a few who did gynecology rotations during their training, and who took it seriously). I don’t want to encourage you to lie about your sexual history if such a discussion comes up, because it is dangerous to start a relationship with such big secrets looming. On the other hand, if your man has a sexual history of his own and chooses not to talk about it, then you can behave accordingly. Just be sure of the facts: not all women bleed on their first time, not all women experience pain on their first experience and not some women are tighter than others, both before and after intercourse.

I normally have oral sex with my partner, but still im a virgin. I need to know, by fingering the G-spot is it possible to break the hymen when ejaculating.

Dinah answers: First of all there is no relationship between breaking your virginity and ejaculating (or having an orgasm). Breaking the hymen, the thing that is usually (but incorrectly) associated with “loosing your virginity” happens when you place pressure on the hymen, either by inserting something that is wider than the particular hymen or for some women, by pressing on it during horse-riding, cycling, etc. On the other hand, you can have wonderful orgasms and not tear the hymen. When stimulating the clitoris, there is no chance of tearing the hymen, but G-spot stimulation involved entering a finger, a vibrator or a dildo into the vagina and this could maybe tear the hymen, depending on how wide the thing is that is used and how strong the hymen is.

I'm getting married in a couple of days and it will be the first time we have sex. I've been on the pill for more than a year. I'm going to be my most fertile when having sex the first time and I am scared that because it's the first time my chances of getting pregnant will increase. Is that possible or should I be fine?

Dinah answers: You are no more fertile on your first time than any other month at the same time. If you are on the pill and you don’t forget to take one because of the wedding chaos, you are perfectly safe. Enjoy both occasions.

I'm a 22yr old female virgin. I have had opportunities to have sex but have always been too afraid to as my vagina is so narrow, it causes me pain even when my boyfriend attempt to finger me. My have orgasms from being touched on the outside. My boyfriend is really supportive. Please do you have any advice. I feel like a medical freak unable to have sex.

Dinah answers: If you are able to have orgasms then you are having a form of sex, and you are having it well. You are more fortunate than a large percentage of young women who struggle trying to discover their orgasm. Most women experience pain when they have penetrative sex for the first time, or even for the first few times. For some, using lubrication helps them, but usually it just hurts because it is stretching, so it needs to be done slowly and carefully, with a patient partner. The pain may be caused by an instinctive reaction which causes you to get anxious and tighten up as soon as anyone approaches, even with a finger. This can be overturned by slowly learning to insert objects, starting with very small and building up. It could be that your vagina is very tight, or perhaps it is the usual tightness of someone who hasn’t been penetrated. In either case, you can work on both the muscles and the fear of pain, but it is best to do it with some professional help. You should visit a gynecologist who can examine you and tell you where the problem, if any, lies. Alternatively, if you can find a physical therapist who specializes in pelvic floor problems, this would be a perfect person to consult with.

am i still a virgin if my boyfriend tried to penetrate and withdrew afterwards because it was painful for me?

Dinah answers: Technically, once the vagina has been entered, you are not a virgin. But if you do not feel as if you have had the act of sex, which you haven’t had properly, then you should decide for yourself how you feel about your virginity. As for the pain, most females find that sex the first time hurts, so next time do it slowly and with consideration. Using lubricant can make it easier to penetrate and sometimes, it will hurt less.

i'm 18 years old and recently i had penetrative sex with my boyfriend for the first time and it bled a bit which is normal, after that he inserted his penis for 3-4 times. so i wanted to know if my vagina became loose (how to check it) and can anything (exercise or tablets) help to tighten it? and also wanted to know can the hymen break by using a sex toy which results bleeding?

Dinah answers: If you felt tightness when your boyfriend’s penis entered you, then it is likely that it was being stretched, but if it was only a few strokes, it may not have been enough to leave you significantly wider than before. There is no way to know for sure how much stretching was or was not done, but you may be able to feel a difference. For example, if your boyfriend has penetrated you with his fingers, you or he may be able to feel if there is more space than before. In general you can know what changes have happened by comparing to before the penetration. Exercises (kegels) can be helpful in strengthening the tone and this will tighten you up a bit. Another thing that can help is time. If you do not have penetrative sex in the coming months, the vagina will tend to tighten on its own. There are no instant methods to do this. As for sex toys, anything that is wide and inserted into the vagina can break the hymen, just like penetrative sex would. There are many sex toys (maybe even the majority) which vibrate and are meant to be used externally on the clitoris, so these cannot tear the hymen and lead to bleeding.

My boyfriend and I were fooling around the other night. He was only fingering, but when he was done, he found blood on his hand. When I rushed to the bathroom, I found out that there was blood. Does this mean that my hymen is broken? If so, am I still considered a virgin? Or am I not anymore? All he did was use his fingers.

Dinah answers: It is possible that your hymen was torn from fingering (partially torn or fully) or that your vaginal tissue was torn by a fingernail or indelicate touch; a doctor can tell after a quick examination, but I don’t think that it is necessary. In my understanding, virginity isn’t about a piece of skin because it is such a bad test of real virginity. Real virginity is about your choice, not about a flimsy piece of membrane that may or may not be strong enough to withstand touching, riding or sports. You are still a virgin because you haven’t chosen to have sex. If the hymen is torn it simply goes to show that the old-fashioned virginity test doesn’t work.

I've never had sex before and recently was fingered by a guy I was in the process of starting a relationship with. He put two fingers in me and it caused severe pain. I have never had two fingers in me before. While his fingers were in me I felt them lean towards my left side more. Question: I heard some penises that lean to one side will lean to one side of a woman once the penis is inserted in the vagina. Does it feel the same as two fingers? What is the difference in feeling between a penis and two fingers? Also, could a guy ever slip in his penis during a fingering session without the girl's knowledge?

Dinah answers: The pain you felt may be because your vagina is narrow and needs to slowly be stretched before it will comfortably contain a penis. Or it could be that you were simply not relaxed enough and/or lubricated enough when he entered you. A normal unpenetrated (“virgin”) vagina can stretch a great deal to encompass a finger or fingers, a penis or a dildo, when you are aroused and ready for it; but when it tenses up, entering even a finger can hurt and leave you feeling sore afterward. Usually the pain or discomfort is at the entrance where the vagina is narrowest, so a penis that leans in one direction wouldn’t tend to cause any discomfort (the skewness is mostly noticeable towards the end). Anyway, such skewness shouldn’t lead to pain; it just means a couple can work with different positions to feel pressure and pleasure on different areas, and this is true for all penis shapes and sizes. As for slipping in the penis without your awareness, this would be very unlikely unless you were totally disconnected from what was going on (for example drunk, high or psychologically zoned out). In order for him to enter a woman, and especially a virgin, his whole pelvis needs to be aligned with yours and it would take a huge amount of skill to go directly from a handjob to penetration without too much movement.

im scared to have sex for the first time, because im afraid i will bleed everywhere, and it will be embarrassing. im also afraid of the pain. how can i over come these fears ?

Dinah answers: The individual concerns each have solutions: use a towel for the blood (there may be little or none, anyway) and take your time and do it at your pace for the pain. But when there are more that one main worry, it seems more logical that you are not really ready. I believe that when you are ready to have sex, the draw will be greater and the fears will fade. I don’t think that you can go wrong by waiting until it is clearer what you have to do. By the way, at the right time, with the right partner, you won’t feel a drop embarrassed either.

My gf and I recently had sex with a condom for the first time and it was her first time ever. Is it normal for her to be feeling cramps worse than b4 we had sex and be bleeding a lot more ?!?

Dinah answers: It is normal to feel pain after the first time because the vagina has been stretched. There may also be some leg or pelvic stiffness due to stretching of muscles in a way that she is not used to. It is also normal to bleed between a few minutes and many hours or even a day or more, as a result of tearing the hymen. But stomach cramps aren’t really part of the deal. They may be caused by an upcoming period (PMS) or by stress about the consequences of what has happened (if she wasn’t entirely convinced that she was ready to have sex). As for the bleeding, it could be hymen bleeding that ran into menstrual bleeding. In any case, if the pain and bleeding last longer than her normal period, she should see a gynecologist.

Hi, Im 18 and I have recently met this guy online who is perfect in every way. When we meet he is wanting to have sex as guys tend to want to do, but I am a virgin and he has a thick 9 incher: Now that doesn't worry me. what does is that I'm afraid of myself getting hurt down there, so I am wondering is there any dildo out there which i can use to slowly stretch my vagina to fit a thick and long penis in eventually, he wants to come in a month so please help me to find something to make love making better, easier and more enjoyable when he comes.

Dinah answers: A lot of guys have an exaggerated belief of the size of their penis. If his size is really as big as he thinks (I’m being nice and not raising the probability that he is simply fantasizing), most women, virgins or not, would be hurt by being penetrated. You need to take sex at your own pace, and only begin having penetrative sex when you are aroused and lubricated sufficiently. This could take a night of foreplay, or it could take weeks or months. Don’t believe that just because he has waited and wants you, that he has to have penetrative sex. There is no need that cannot be relieved by a handjob. For your first time, I suggest you have a positive, fully-mutual experience and not one that sets you up to fear the pain of sex.

I'm going to have sex for the 1st time and i was wondering if my boyfriend pulls out of me before he ejaculates and does it on my stomach,i wont get pregnant will i? Like will he still pre-ejaculate?

Dinah answers: This is a bad way to start having sex because it is really not safe. First of all, there will be pre-ejaculate (pre-cum), which are the drips that are produced sometime before he cums. The guy cannot feel it dripping, so he cannot know that he needs to pull out.

In addition to this, men’s not being able to pull out on time is a notorious cause of unplanned pregnancy. Don’t let him tell you he can control himself because it is so easy to slip up and ejaculate inside or near the entrance, thereby leaving you at risk. It is also dangerous in terms of STDs. : This is a bad way to start having sex because it is really not safe. First of all, there will be pre-ejaculate (pre-cum), which are the drips that are produced sometime before he cums. The guy cannot feel it dripping, so he cannot know that he needs to pull out. In addition to this, men’s not being able to pull out on time is a notorious cause of unplanned pregnancy. Don’t let him tell you he can control himself because it is so easy to slip up and ejaculate inside or near the entrance, thereby leaving you at risk. It is also dangerous in terms of STDs.

Hi, im 19 and my fiance and i have tried to have sex...but he cant get it in. Im a virgin. Hes fingered me before. He is small down there so i dont get why he cant get it in. Im just too tight. We used lots of lube. we tried different positions. Should I use dilators or something? Because i dont know what else to do. thank you

Dinah answers: The difficulties that you are describing are actually not so unusual. You may be tight, which is something that can be helped by slowly stretching the vaginal muscles with dilators. But you shouldn’t try to diagnose your situation by yourself. Visit a gynecologist, who will give you a pelvic exam and she or he will be able to judge if you need help. Another option is to visit a physiotherapist who specializes in pelvic floor issues. She or he will be able to provide dilators as well as exercises. You should also consider that your fiancée may be scared to hurt you, and perhaps in the attempts to penetrate, he becomes a bit softer and that also contributes to the problem. In the meantime, don’t stop being sexual with each other. You can continue to enjoy touching each other and discovering how each other likes to be stimulated. You can learn a lot about one another and your sexuality without having penetrative sex.

I want to ask you, without touching, is it possible to harm the hymen? I’m talking about by looking at some picture or watching erotic kinds of movies.

Dinah answers: There is no way that the hymen can tear from pure excitement, no matter how excited you get or how many orgasms you have. If you rub against some surface while getting excited (whether with your hands or without), and there is traction against the vagina, you may be able to tear your hymen, but that is only if the object is allowed to enter slightly into the vagina. This is how many females tear their hymens doing activities such as horseback riding or biking. If your hymen was weak enough to tear in this way, it would have torn in one way or another, so please don’t beat yourself up about it.

I am 20 years old and I know that I made the biggest mistake of my life by having sex for the first time with my boyfriend of 2 and a half years. However its over and I can't do anything about it. My question for you is what are the chances of pregnancy if we used a condom and I know for a fact that there were not holes, rips, or tears? and I know that the 'pull out' method does not mean anything but after a few strokes he pulled out because we knew that we were doing the wrong thing and he never ejaculated in me...it was clearly a good 30 seconds or so after he had pulled out that he did. I know that there is always a chance for anything, but I am worried sick. I know I won't be able to tell for sure until I get a pregnancy test, but my period is not supposed to start for another three weeks. If you could be honest with me I would truly appreciate it.

Dinah answers: Firstly, I hope that you won’t continue to consider this the biggest mistake of your life. You decided to go ahead with it and you did it responsibly, and after beginning, you reconsidered. I respect the fact that you stopped as soon as you felt that it wasn’t right for you. You shouldn’t continue to punish yourself by becoming anxious about pregnancy. Under the circumstances you described you are safe from pregnancy and you are as safe as it is possible to be (after sex) from STDs too. The cases of condoms failing tend to be related to tearing, which happens because of the extra pressure after ejaculation (with a condom that hasnt been used properly), or when it is old or badly stored, or because of slippage. It can also happen when the condom is put on after genital contact. None of these seem to be relevant to you. Furthermore, if you are 3 weeks before your period and your period is regular, you should be a full week before ovulation and therefore not fertile. Even if there was any pre-cum 30 seconds before ejaculation and it was able to escape through or around the condom, it wouldn’t manage to survive until ovulation begins.That means you’re safe. As far as I can tell you took care of yourself as well as you could. I hope that you will not allow this experience to ruin your sexual experiences in the future, when you are ready to have them.

My girlfriend is still a virgin. I have a larger penis than most men (around 9 or so inches) to how could I give her the most pleasure, with out hurting her? Would it be wiser to wait for actual intercourse and warm it up a lot more?

Dinah answers: When you’re both mentally and emotionally ready to have intercourse, you need to take it really slowly and make sure she is physically ready. That means being sufficiently aroused and having lots of lubrication. You can learn how much lubrication she produces from your non-penetrative sex. Whether she becomes wet easily or not, you should probably have some lubricant on hand, which will make penetration easier. As far as her pleasure goes, most of it is related to knowing how to pleasure her clitoris, and that is something you can get to know before you are having intercourse. Having good sex will probably take practice with each other, so just keep trying and speak about what feels good and what doesn’t.

I had intercourse with an older woman, 38 years old, and I used a condom, but I came inside the condom while it was still inside her vagina. She is off the pill as she is past the age of 30. How likely is she to get pregnant if she inserted the condom a short time after sex? I also wanted to know about the likelihood of STDs or HIV, as we used condoms, kissed and oral sex was performed on me, but I am sure I do not have any STDs or HIV as this was my first time.

Dinah answers: First of all congratulations on your first time! It’s great that you’re cognizant of these issues at the very start of your sexual “career” so that you’ll save yourself complications later on. Using condoms is considered safe, but only when used right and consistently, and it’s not clear from your mail exactly what happened in this case. When you say she “inserted” the condom, I’m not sure if you used a female or male condom, because a female condom (like a diaphragm) would be inserted into the vagina, whereas a male condom would be worn on the penis. In order for the sex to be as safe as possible, the condom should be in place before there is any genital contact. If there was direct skin contact, there is a small chance of contracting one of the STD’s that lives on lesions on the skin (such as herpes or HPV) and there is an even smaller chance of pregnancy. This is because the pre-cum, liquid that leaks from the penis before ejaculation, contains sperm and possible STD’s in small quantities. However this is release towards ejaculation, as the body clears out the urethra for the big show ahead. So cumming in the condom is not a risk, in fact this is exactly what condoms are designed for. The risky bit is whatever time was spent having genital to genital contact without the condom. There is also minor risk of STD’s from unprotected oral sex, either from cuts or sores in the mouth, skin lesions on the penis or from contact with ejaculate. All in all, the chances of STDs is low and pregnancy seems even lower, but from what you’ve said, its theoretically not impossible. The best way to protect yourself in future is to take control of the condom use and know that it goes on, on time. Even with condoms, you are not 100% covered, but you can rest assured that you have done as much as can be expected to cover yourself. If you’re new at sex, invest in an economy-sized box of condoms and practice until you think you can do it in the dark and under pressure. Read more about condoms in the review section.

My girlfriend is going to see a gynecologist for the first time and she is a virgin. I would like to know if going to see a gynecologist would change the fact that she is one?

Dinah answers: A pelvic exam, which is the internal check-up that the gynecologist does, will not tear the hymen, because the hymen does not cover the whole vaginal entrance. The doctor can give her a full exam without affecting any harm. Virginity is not only about having an intact hymen, because many women tear their hymen long before they have sex. Being a virgin, in the sexual sense, is about not having had consensual sex. Your girlfriend should be congratulated on deciding to consult a gynecologist. Regular gynecological check-ups are important for all women, young and old, whether they are sexually active or not.
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