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Ask Dinah your question

I am a 37 year old woman who has not had sex in 9 years for several reasons. I have only had one partner, and he was not not very blessed in the penis area. Sex with him wasn't really pleasurable. Only when he would go down on me did I like the feeling. I had 2 kids by him and delivered both vaginally. I feel the need to masturbate, but to get aroused i use porn. I get extremely wet and love the feeling. I have a dildo I have been using for about 5 years, should i replace it. Also i'm concerned about my vagina loosing its tightness. How do I become multiorgasmic by myself?

Dinah answers: Vaginal muscles like all other muscles, weaken with age unless you work them. Using a dildo will not weaken them, in fact the opposite is true. If you find using your dildo to be pleasurable, then you are keeping up your vaginal fitness the best way you can – by drawing blood there and giving the muscles and blood vessels a good workout. As for replacing your dildo, that would depend what it is made of. If it is one of the older forms of soft plastic or jelly, it is safer to replace it with an non-porous material such as silicone, glass or ceramic. If you have one of those, I’d say you have many more years of joy ahead of you. Regarding the multiple orgasm, you need to keep stimulating yourself, preferably via the clitoris or G-spot, after reaching orgasm, assuming you are able to reach orgasm. It is not clear whether the dildo you mention is also a vibrator, but if not yo can try purchasing a vibrator to use externally either instead of the dildo or at the same time. It’s a lot of handwork, but it just may be worth the effort.

How can I make a dildo fucking machine for my wife to use? Where can I find plans ?

Dinah answers: Let’s get the terminology right before we jump into production. Dildos are more or less penis shaped objects used for penetration. If it is the buzzing kind of instrument you’re after, its referred to as a vibrator. You (or rather she) need to decide which you are looking to make – electronic/vibrating or still. Once you decide on that, you can choose the material. Producing a homemade dildo is relatively easy. You can use wood, glass, plastic or any other material that you can shape according to her taste. Just make sure that it is smooth and easy to clean. If its electronic, you could make yourself a simple circuit or buy one in an electronics store, but there is lots to know about the materials you are using and how the motor and the body will work together, certainly too much to cover here. I’d suggest you buy something ready made or perhaps find someone online who makes penis molds that can be adapted to use as vibrators.

I had been single for a while. I used a thick dildo and a vibrator on myself on a daily basis for months. I recently had a boyfriend tell me that my vagina didn't feel tight enough for him to enjoy sex with me. I was wondering if having a clitoral orgasm while the big dildo inside my vagina would damage the muscles or loosen the tone. While I'm having an orgasm, my vagina tightens around and squeezes the dildo so I am kinda worried that I did that too much and caused permanent damage to my vagina.

Dinah answers: There is no real damage that can be done by using a large dildo and vibrator, it basically the same to your body as a penis of the same size. But our vaginal muscles do weaken over time, so you should do daily kegel exercises, and if you are up for something more intense, a pelvic floor physical therapist can work with you on pelvic floor muscle exercises, doing biofeedback.

I haven't been using a vibrator for an extremely long time (my husband died a few months ago, and the thought of being with another man right now sounds disheartening, to say the least. At the same time, though I don't think I could make it more than a few months without some sort of release) When I am using it with the shaft motion on medium or high it seems to be too much (no matter the vibration setting) but if it is on low, i end up squeezing hard enough down there that the swiveling stops....and so does my attention, and focus on orgasming. Is it normal to stop it? This is the second type I have tried.

Dinah answers: This is not an uncommon complaint. The clitoris is super sensitive and with “aggressive” stimulation (each women has her own threshold), it becomes numb and you end up more frustrated than before. If you have a good deal of sensitivity, the idea is to stimulate your clitoris indirectly, in other words you could try using your vibrator with underwear on, and/or placing your vibrator tip a few millimeters away from the clitoris, or from the centre. Another possibility is to opt for one of those vibrators that has two fingers that stimulate the sides, such as the Form 2, but if you have a good, working vibrator at home, and it has a surface area with a point that can be skillfully placed around the clitoris and not on it, then there is no need for extra spending.

My husband has recently bought a monster sized very large dildo. Its 13 inches long, and 3 1/2 inches thick. We measured it, it's 9 1/2 inches in circumference. The first several times we used it, it wouldn't go in my vagina, but now I can take it in. I love the fullness and stretching it gives me. Now we use it about once per week. Can I do any damage to myself with a dildo this large? I am also interested in getting an even bigger one, is it ok to keep stretching my vagina out like this?

Dinah answers: Your question raises the issue of proportion and what the vagina is designed to handle. Being made of muscular tissue, the vagina is capable of stretching incredibly, as we know from childbirth and from the practice of fisting. You may enjoy the game of discovering how far you can take this, but you should know that ultimately it’s a sensitive part of your body and not just a competition venue. The muscles, as I said, are stretchy but the vaginal lining is very delicate. You can protect yourself by using lots of lubricant and taking the stretching in stages, so that the tissue gets used to the tension. You will very likely cause micro-tears anyway, so be careful to be safe, because this will make you more susceptible to STD’s. My feeling is that huge dildos are more of a male fantasy than a female one, so take it as far as you are comfortable and then stop. The act may be exciting if it is what you want, but physically it is way beyond the call of duty: the vagina has almost no feeling beyond the outer third so the length is really excessive, and the width – well we know it can expand to over 4’’ during childbirth, but is childbirth something you’d want to go through every week? And another word of warning. It is likely that over time, deep and very full thrusting, the type you’d experience when you use a dildo of such large proportions and you try to get most of it inside you, could do damage to the cervix area at the top of the vagina. This could lead to vaginal and uterine prolapse, where the muscles of the internal organs like the uterus lose their hold and drop into the vaginal passage. It could necessitate surgery to “rehitch” them. If you do enjoy the act and choose to continue, I would recommend that you reduce the frequency to allow the vagina to recover its natural tension. You should also do your Kegel exercises religiously, to keep your muscles in shape and improve your chances of being able to enjoy sex with a human sized penis.

My husband is 68 and I am around 50. He does get a nice erection (sometimes with the help of Cialis), but he rarely orgasms and ejaculates (even when he masturbates himself). When it does happen, it is after a lot of thrusting inside me. Is there any sex toy or anything else you can recommend to help my husband get an orgasm and ejaculate.

Dinah answers: With age, it is natural that a man will take longer and longer to orgasm and ejaculate. He will need more direct stimulation and/or more excitement. When a man begins taking much longer to orgasm, it is worth asking if this has something to do with issues between the two of you – anger, repressed hostility, inadequacy or self-worth worries. But if you know that he also takes a long time when he masturbates, it in more likely to be related to his personal level of stimulation. Him getting sufficiently aroused and stimulated doesn’t necessarily mean more thrusting, because this can leave you sore and him – desensitized. So you are right to consider external forms of stimulation. You can start by adding lubricant, best of all one that adds sensitivity, such as a lube with heating effect, which may increase his sense of stimulation as well as yours. Toys can be useful to add fuel to the fire – before, during and after the act. Their novelty can bring initial excitement to your sex, but in the long run they bring an important message – that sex doesn’t have to be a routine. Anything with a vibration can to used on his penis, testicles, perineum (or wherever else it feels good) and this will draw extra blood to the area and vitalize the process of excitation. There are even vibrators that he wears on his penis, so that both partners reap the benefits. Vibrating penis rings could be helpful, but may also have the opposite effect of delaying orgasm. The effect is very personal. Your man can add prostate stimulation during or in addition to intercourse. The very sensitive prostrate is aroused either via the perineum, or more effectively, via the anus. This can be done with anal beads or a butt plug. Another method to add some spunk to his masturbation is with a penis sleeve. This soft, notched, sock-like toy can add to the direct sensation on the surface of his penis.

I got a new vibrator the other day and it has a clitoris stimulator as well as a penetrating part. I've literally used it at least twice a day for three days, and it has given me an orgasm every time. My boyfriend and I were about to get physical when I had to stop because my clitoris was so sensitive. Is there anything I can do to make it be less sensitive? Not less sensitive as in make it harder to climax, but it's kind of painful when either my boyfriend or I touch it.

Dinah answers: If this sensitivity is a result of using your new vibrator, and it is not your usual state of being, then it is probably because you are still engorged with blood in the clitoris when you start getting it on with your boyfriend. I am not telling you to cut out the vibrator before making out with your man, but you need to get either less stimulation in this zone, or more. When you stimulate the clit, it gets engorged with blood, which is what gives that feeling of being turned on. When you have a full orgasm (which could be a single or multiple, depending on you) you release that blood. Sometimes vibrators have such a high level of stimulation that they can continue to stimulate as you are orgasming, so in fact you don’t get complete relief. You can either keep going for another one, or stop and let time let that blood drain out. Once drained, your sensitivity level should be back to normal; this could take minutes or possibly longer. If what you are describing took place hours later, it is probably not because you are engorged, but because the intense stimulation left your clitoris over-worked, sort of like a muscle that you’ve been working overtime. In this case, try a bit of lubricant to ease the feeling, or perhaps give your lucky clit a break and focus on other areas on his and your body. Having said that, there are some women who experience problems in dis-engorging; even when they orgasm, the blood doesn’t drain successfully and they are left feeling discomfort. If this was your case, it would be true for all orgasms – man-made, self-made or electronic.

Ok so I'm in college and a virgin and just haven't had sex because I haven't found the right guy. But I am looking into getting a vibrator and my friend said that it would be different for me because I'm a virgin. Is this true? I just thought that if I got a certain size then yes, it could tear my hymen but no matter what, it should still do the same thing as someone who isn't a virgin right?

Dinah answers: When you use a vibrator, it makes no difference if you are a virgin or not. Think about it, there are many women who have had lots of penetrative sex and never had an orgasm, and visa versa. As a first vibrator, I would anyway recommend a small one, like a bullet, which is not meant for penetration but is used on the clitoris. This is where you need to start experimenting and it will be the key to orgasm. If you are curious about penetration, try to figure out with your fingers what thickness feels comfortable. Inserting a thick toy may well tear your hymen, but you can never know how strong your hymen is, and it could tear with something smaller too, or it could even be torn already, just from sports or other activity. It is best to start modest and build up, if you need something more. You might want nothing more than a small vibrator, or find yourself buying a bigger one, but using it only externally.

My jelly plastic vibrator has given me the worst smelling vagina in history. I must use a rubber or get a hard silicone one for the future but do I need to go to the doctor? When will the horrible odor go away? I got the flipper vibrator which was great but now I'm paying the price!! help!!!

Dinah answers: OK, this is the time to retire your old jelly vibe and upgrade to a better material. It doesn’t need to be silicone if that is too expensive for your budget, you can use hard plastic. The toys that give off smell are actually slowly breaking down. When you use them internally, you leave tiny molecules in the vaginal area and your body seems to disagree with this particular material. Listen to your body – its correct in what it tells you. I am sorry that this was allowed to happen. There really should be more regulation in the sex toy market. You can read more on unhealthy materials and it will help you choose your next vibrator well.

I have never been able to have an orgasm before, whether it be by myself or with my boyfriend. However, recently i got a vibrator and used one for the first time. In doing this, I had my first orgasm. But now I am worried, I'm not sure if you help with this but is it possible that I can only orgasm to using the vibrator? Is it also true that you can lose or become less sensitive to the human touch or something to where its harder to get an orgasm from your partner because of using vibrators?

Dinah answers: Quite the opposite. Once your body learns to experience orgasm and you get used to identifying the kind of sensations you need for orgasm, you will be able to start seeking out those sensations in other ways. It is quite common among women who do not experience orgasms to learn to peak with vibrators. They are great teachers and perhaps you can extend the lesson by showing your partner how you bring yourself to orgasm and letting him learn and enjoy!

what is the nature / state of mind of a husband who inserts a banana into his wife's vagina before the actual act? is he a pervert? or unable to perform? the wife has not stopped him inserting. of fear or for what? i don't know. what is her nature?

Dinah answers: Sexual behaviour and preferences are extreme varied, and as long as there is consent, given freely, there is no problem with this choice of sex. Have you considered the the possibility that she enjoys it, either because it feels good or because it is something he enjoys so much, or both. Couples use all sorts of sex toys for their pleasure, together and separately. Sure, specially intended sex toys make things simpler and usually more hygienic. But a great deal of people don’t have the ability to get hold of sex toys (expense, privacy, availability, etc) so they use things they find in the home. I can assure you that the use of household objects was much more common a decade or two ago, before internet sales and the general openness that has developed about sex toys. There is always the possibility that this woman is accepting his banana fetish without enjoying it herself, for reasons such as fear of him leaving her or because she is abused. But the same could be the case with one partner accepting any sexual demands, irrespective of the style. We cannot surmise why she is doing this or what in her nature determines her choices, only she can tell you. If this woman is your partner, speak to her about it. If she is not, as long as she isn’t suffering, what are you doing delving into their lives anyway?

I'm a fifty something gal who when having sex with her wonderful hubby uses very large realistic dildos for maximum stimulation. My question is why is it that when using these massive tools my orgasms are beyond what I have ever experienced in our entire sex lives. Are the multiple orgasms physical or psychological? I've read that penis size does not matter and the vagina will adjust to whatever size the penis is in order to feel pleasurable. Even speaking with some friends discreetly they will say that the size of their husbands penis is quite satisfying and the thought of using something larger would not make a difference in the height of pleasure. Is it length, girth, or both? His fully erect penis just does not hit the right spots. Please don't misunderstand me my husband is totally for pleasing me and actually enjoys the fact that even in his younger days his average size penis never felt as good as these large ones.

Dinah answers: Orgasms are always a combination of physical and mental input. I can only suggest a few thoughts that may explain your great enjoyment, but the bottom line is some things don’t need to be analyzed to be enjoyed. As your man gets older, his erections tend to get weaker. This is just one of nature’s ways of evening out the slate because they stay fertile and we don’t. A weaker erection could mean less volume and also less pressure placed on the vaginal walls. You may be one of those women who have become more attuned to G-Spot stimulation as the years go on, and so an exaggeratedly large dildo actually rubs the G-area without you having to search it out specifically. On the psychological end, it could be a function of the excitement that you and him experience when using such “naughty” or exaggerated toys that adds eroticism to your sex. Since whatever you have discovered seems to work, and both of you enjoy it so much, don’t dare try fixing what ain’t broke! Keep doing what you’re doing and sharing the pleasure with each other. By the way, viagra/cialis/etc can give him a harder erection, but they won’t make his penis larger than it was during erection a few years ago. I’d suggest you stay away from it as long as it is not necessary.

My husband and I are both in our early fifties. Over the past two years my husband decided it was time for me to experience the feeling of being penetrated by a much larger penis then his average 6 1/2 inches. He went online to some adult sites and began purchasing what are suppose to be realistic dildos that have been molded from the actual erections of porn stars. At first the thought of using these massive tools scared me and were somewhat painful but after taking things slow and finally getting my vagina used to them they have given me orgasms and sensations that my husband's penis never could. This is not at all a problem for either of us and has brought our already great sex life to another plateau! My question is are these dildos really the actual size of these men's penises? Or are they no pun intended, stretching the truth?

Dinah answers: Yes, strangely enough the “celebrity” dildos are accurate representations of the real actor’s penises. Of course, you know that these guys aren’t acting because of their brilliant skills, they are showing their jewels to the world because of their unusual proportions. I am not convinced that all these boys were given these sizes by mother nature, they may well have had a bit of help from the plastic surgeon, just like most of the female actors have had a some help on their boobs. And butts. And vaginas, noses, lips, thighs, ears, eyes…. In short, what is real is what you have. It doesn’t matter if it is average or beyond. Enjoy playing with other sizes if you wish, but don’t for a minute believe that the ladies and gentlemen who have the unfortunate situations of being caught up in the porn industry are having better sex lives than you are.

I have no idea where to insert the batteries in a dildo HELP!

Dinah answers: Is this a dildo or a vibrator? The difference is that a vibrator takes batteries or uses some other source of power, whereas a dildo tends to be stationary and used for penetration without vibrating, in which case there is no battery case. If it is nevertheless a vibrator you are talking about, you should know that every toy has its own design and its own quirks, so I would recommend seeking out instructions online or contacting the manufacturers and/or retailers. If it is a vibrator or other sex aid that has been reviewed on The Dinah Project, there are usually notes about tricky battery issues which may be able to help you.

I am a Christian (sort of) and we are not supposed to have sex before marriage, I am open to the idea in a long term relationship though. I am 21 and haven't had sex although in a past relationship I gave a BJ, am I still a virgin? And if so, if I use a vibrator does that mean I am no longer a virgin? I am very confused.

Dinah answers: There are many ways to define virginity. Usually people define it as when you have penetrative sex for the first time, but they measure it (some idiots thought this was a foolproof check, but it isn’t) by having a hymen that has not yet torn. Giving a blowjob does not (obviously) have any impact on your hymen, but it is oral sex, so you can make what you want of that in your subjective version of virginity. Playing with a vibrator is just the opposite. If it is a large, phallic (penis-like) vibrator and you insert it into the vagina, there is a possibility of tearing the hymen. On the other hand it is not having sex with a man, so you are still socially a virgin. Again, you have to make what you want of that. I would add that if for you, staying a virgin means waiting for that one person to be your first, then you are still a virgin. In the meantime, enjoy getting to know your sexual response.

Can/does the material texture of a dildo give me any type of unsafe effect long term-? I use my dildo constantly for pleasure and never really have received any infections or so, and i don't put a condom on it. Also my dildo is pretty thick and about 9

Dinah answers: Your question about the material of your dildo is very important. The various plastic, rubber and jelly materials may contain a chemical know as Phthalate which is (as far as the scientists know currently) probably harmful in the long term. The one way you can know if your dildo or vibrator contains this is by checking the description on the box, but if it is an old toy, try finding it in our review section where we mention this characteristic for each item. If your dildo is made out of silicone, glass or some other impervious material, then you are completely safe. As for the size, you may get used to a larger size and like that feeling of fullness, but a real penis has its advantages in terms of feel, warmth and sensitivity, so this will always be its competitive point.

I am a virgin and people say I should use toys but i can't go to the store and bu those also Im not sure where exactly to insert them. Can you help me?

Dinah answers: There are dildos and vibrators designed for insertion – vaginal or anal. There are vibrators designed for external use, which means around the clitoris and the vulva area. There are cock rings and sleeves meant for wearing on the penis. There are balls (such as Ben Wa balls) which are for insertion during movement. Etc, etc. In short, there are many more toys than there are ways of having sex, and there are new ones appearing every week. You shouldn’t feel pressured to use toys just because you aren’t having sex, only if you have desire for sexual feeling and satisfaction and would like to go beyond what you can manage with “basic” masturbation. I recommend you check out our Product Reviews which tell you what each toy was designed to do and decide if it appeals to you. Then go about and search for something of that sort.

I have recently moved out to a different state to finish my degree while my boyfriend is still back home finishing up law school. The distance is difficult to deal with not only emotionally, but also physically. I mentioned getting myself a vibrator and he seemed offended, saying that I would become dependent on it. Our sex life is absolutely amazing but I find it unfair that he is able to masturbate but I have no means of releasing my sexual tension besides seeing him every 3 months (it's near impossible for me to orgasm with my own hand). Am I being selfish? Is there any way for him to understand where I'm coming from and be OK with this?

Dinah answers: There is absolutely nothing sexual about your thoughts, in fact the lack of mutuality deserves to be addressed. Not all sex toys are phallic shaped and therefore not a form of competition. There is an enormous range of little clitoral vibrators, which are super effective for clitoral orgasms, and cannot possibly threaten a man unless his expectations of you are beyond fair. If you nevertheless would prefer a sex toy that could allow you the feeling of penetration, read this article and have him read it too. Bringing yourself to orgasm with a vibrator is not competition for sex. If anything, it will keep you sexually functional and keep your libido intact. It will never ruin your appetite for human sex, just as masturbation does not replace intercourse. Using a vibrator is not a breakdown of your faithfulness to him, but your (and his) ally.

I'm going to be out right truthful, I hope you'll believe me in my seriousness. In my childhood I was sexually molested by my step-dad. I accidentally took my own virginity, I didn't know any better because I was like 15 and my mom just doesn't talk about that stuff. I enjoy masturbating, probably more than I should and I've been masturbating with some crazy contraption I made out of a child's bubble wand. I used the toy for anal for a while. I was uses to it, and enjoyed it. And well I would use my heels to hold the base in place as I pushed my hips down into it. Too much of this and I had crushed the base quite a bit with my heels. So now it has duck-tape around it. (Now it looks like a mini-fide sexual light-saber.) And well, truthfully I've found someone I enjoy talking 'sexually' with (and I have feelings for. We've been together about three years.) over the computer by Mic and I've completely snapped it in half. I wish I could get another or something cause I don't want to get hurt. But I'm under aged, (by a year) and I would go without but I don't think my body could do it. Since I'm kinda ADDICTED in a way, my stomach starts hurting a bit when I haven't satisfied the urge. I want to get a toy, but my vagina is only 4.5 inches deep (when I'm aroused) and I don't think I'm wide enough for a dildo but I don't know. I want to save my tightness for the guy I'm waiting to finish school to go see. My problem is I'm not old enough, and my mom doesn't even want to hear the word PLEASURE coming out of my mouth after all I've been through. I don't know what to do, I'm in a rut. I can't think of anything else to do but find myself another child's toy to experiment on. (But I'd rather not.) Please, tell me your advise on what to do. Can you help me out? Oh, and I heard that vibrators loosen up the vaginal muscles. Is that true? And is there any other way a vibrator can cause harm to the vagina? And would it be a better idea to get a flesh-like dildo (Which I really want) than a normal one? Do dildos come thin enough to give me pleasure, but yet not loosen me up?

Dinah answers: Although it is illegal in most countries to have sex below a certain age, there is no limitation on masturbation. If you can use your hand to experience sexual pleasure, why not use a specially designed instrument for the same purpose? I don’t see any problem, as long as you know what you are doing and how to do it safely. Sure, there are some internet stores that ask whether or not you are 18 years old in order to enter, and I am not suggesting that you lie, but there are enough sites that do not ask and do not care who is buying what. I would suggest you take a look at such stores and see the selection. Today there are a great deal of different shapes and sizes available, so you should be able to find what you are looking for. Perhaps start by reading reviews to get some objective information and a few ideas. Just keep in mind that these stores deliver by mail, so you’ll need to deal with the possibility of someone in your home picking up your order. I strongly recommend that you don’t try to find a child’s toy to use as a dildo. Perhaps you got lucky with your previous instrument, but a toy not intended for what you have in mind may well have uneven edges which could scratch your fragile vaginal tissue and cause infection as well as discomfort. It may be made of a material that is difficult to keep hygenic, which is important. If you have your mind and body set on a dildo, you may be able to find a good enough substitute among other household or beauty objects, but again, if the surface isn’t smooth and clean, you’d be taking a chance. As for vibrators, why not try? You won’t do any harm to your vagina by using a vibrator (which is used for the clitoris area mostly). If the vibrator is also a dildo, then it is the shape that may or may not cause stretching over time, if it is much wider/longer than your vagina, but this has nothing to do with the vibrations.

i am an 18 year old virgin. i have found that recently i am constantly turned on but due to my appearance, shallow guys and no confidence, i am without a boyfriend and always have been. i am eager to start discovering my sexuality...is it possible for a virgin to use a dildo and if so, should i expect pain or bleeding?

Dinah answers: First at all, at 18 you shouldn’t say that you have “always been” without a boyfriend, but rather that this is the case SO FAR. Being a virgin with a growing sex drive and no partner in sight, I would say that using a sex toy is a very healthy outlet, if you are into the idea. I wouldn’t necessarily start off with a dildo. How about trying a vibrator first, or a combined, medium-sized vibrator and dildo, in other words, a vibrator that has a medium sized shaft, so you can first use it externally, on the clitoris, which is the best way to orgasm. If you want to continue exploring, you can try inserting it. If you are not sure about size, start with smaller rather than larger, so that you don’t feel discomfort when inserting. You can take a look at vibrators reviewed here. If the toy that you insert is not too wide, if it is well lubricated (either by natural lubrication or artificial) and if you don’t use force, you should not feel pain and you shouldn’t bleed. If you have a very delicate hymen, it could possibly be torn by inserting a larger dildo, thereby causing bleeding, but then again a delicate hymen can be torn by non-sexual acts too, like horse or bike-riding, or gym.

For 6 yrs. my wife has used dildos that I have introduced her to because it turns me on seeing her enjoy another penis (dildo) and her cumming, also her doing both my penis and her dildo which makes me fully erect. I'm average, maybe even below but not so small. Now today she uses a pretty thick dildo of about 9

Dinah answers: If you are both enjoying sex with a dildo, then by all means continue and enjoy each other’s pleasure. If your wife is still able to orgasm from intercourse, then there is no problem with using a dildo that has a different size from you. She cannot get addicted to it, but she can learn to enjoy deep penetration or thicker girth. Of course this doesn’t mean it is the only feeling she can now enjoy. The dildo may feel nice to her because it is longer (not always important) and wider, but your penis feels nicer for other reasons – the texture, the warmth, etc. Your erection is a whole other issue. If you are physically able to get erect (as suggested by the fact that you get erect when she is using the toy), then your erection problem seems to be due to how turned on you are, or perhaps due to your confidence about having sex without “help”. I think you need to discuss this with your wife and decide together what each of you enjoys and how you both feel about sex with and without the dildo. Read more on couples using sex toys together

So I am a virgin and finally got the guts to get a vibrator, it's similar to the rabbit ones. Well I have a problem, it's not like I don't know where babies come from and i get the general idea, but I'm not sure how to use it to obtain optimum pleasure. Help?

Dinah answers: The rabbit type of vibrator is probably not the best one to start off with, especially if have no experience with penetration. This is because it demands two-in-one skills, when you may not be sure how to manage each of the skills separately. So I suggest that either you get yourself a simple, single function vibrator to start with, or else you use the one you have, but try one function at a time. I would suggest that you start off with the clitoral part. Rabbit-type vibrators usually have a separate motor for the small part which is designed for the clitoral area. You can do this without activating the shaft or inserting it into the vagina. Once you learn to feel the pleasure of clitoral and external stimulation, move to the second motor which belongs to the long shaft. You should learn how to insert the vibe comfortably before trying to use both functions at once. Use lots of lubricant when inserting the shaft. If the insertion is still uncomfortable, but the clitoral part feels good, you may want to play with your vibrator in this way only, and consider replacing it with a simple clitoral toy. There is a great range available.

I purchased a very expensive 'rabbit' vibrator and the morning after using it for the first time (after having washed it), my vaginal odor was different. It really bothered me. There's no discharge, but I'm wary of using it again. Should I be concerned or am I being overly cautious?

Dinah answers: I think that the answer to your question lies in the material from which your vibrator is made. Many of the more expensive vibrators are made with a silicone exterior. If you have purchased silicone, you probably got your money’s worth because silicone is impervious and therefore most healthy in preventing skin reactions and infections, among other things. If your vibrator is made of some other material, such as latex or a hundred other versions of soft jelly-like plastic that are available (which should be cheaper), there is the chance that you could have an allergic reaction. An allergy usually makes itself known by itching and redness, but discharge is also possible, which could lead to odor. Plastics, especially those containing PVCs and phthalate tend to have a strange smell or a smell of chemicals added to overcome the original smell. This might be what you are picking up on, if you have a sensitive olfactory system. Using a vibrator made or PVCs and phthalate is likely to be dangerous in the long run, so it would be best to use with a condom and/or dental dam and not directly on the skin. More on healthy use of sex toys. Unless you felt or are feeling vaginal pain, it is worthwhile retesting the vibe after the odor clears up and checking if it returns. Clean it out before and after use with an antibacterial soap to make sure there is not something unwanted on the toy. If this continues to happen, you need to check it out by consulting with a gynecologist. It is most likely to be unrelated to the vibrator or perhaps triggered by the use but not caused by it.

I'm virgin and need suggestions on which vibrator to buy and where.

Dinah answers: The are no special indications for virgins when it comes to vibrator choices, you just need to decide what you are interested in. If it is orgasm that you are seeking, you can use a small clitoral vibrator that does not require insertion into the vagina. If you are interested in discovering the feeling of penetration, there are various different sizes of phallic (penis-like) vibrators and dildos, starting from short and slim ones and going up to unhumanly huge sizes. Unless you use a wide dildo, you should not tear your hymen, so this should not effect your virginity. I would recommend that you look through our vibrator reviews which give you a good idea of many of the newest toys available widely, with some honest expert feedback. As far as where to buy, I’d recommend trying to buy online because you will find that this offers the best selection at the best prices. I’d also recommend that you read objective reviews, before listening to the advice of salespeople at local stores; they often try to push popular products that aren’t necessarily what is advisable for you.

i bought a silicon dildo from new zealand. it has a strange silicon/chemila type smell. also when me and my partner use it ( we are lesbians ) it leaves a very bad itchy sensation in our vagina's. i have tried cleansing it with soap many times... but afterwards my hands get itchy... just to give u a description . i have a strap on which has a jelly dong... and the jelly dong is what has the problem. i live in india and its very difficult for me to buy these or the other products like cleaner... if u could suggest a home remedy ... thanks.

Dinah answers: I’m a little bit suspicious about the quality of the so-called “silicone dildo”. Good quality silicone should be both hypoallergenic and free of any smell. You may have been conned into overpaying for a toy that has latex or other jelly plastic in it. The itching reaction you describe is typical of a latex allergy, but it could also be a sensitivity to any of the many parabens or other chemical concoctions used in the dildo/vibrator market today. Not everyone will have a bad reaction, but you are obviously sensitive so you are going to need to create a barrier between your skin and your toys, until you have the opportunity to upgrade to 100% pure silicone. The simplest way to go about this is to get hold of a non-latex condom. Durex has the Avanti and Pasante has the Unique. If you’re not used to working with condoms, read up more on the range. Then of course there are the Female Condoms, which are non-latex. Using non-latex tends to be significantly more expensive, but it is a good quick-fix for your problem. You shouldn’t ignore the itching, because it really is abusing your delicate vaginal tissue and undermining the sexual pleasure. If the allergen is in the jelly or the plastic, washing will not solve the problem either.

My husband's penis is pretty small. Sometimes I worry that I'm actually a little loose down there, too. Sometimes I don't feel much during sex and I'm not sure if it's him or me or both. I started using a dildo which is relatively large. Now I'm freaked out that I'm stretching it out down there and it will make sex with him less pleasurable. Will a dildo stretch me out?

Dinah answers: Since your vagina is a muscle, it can both stretch and contract. Stretching would happen if the dildo is larger than the circumference of your vagina when it is stimulated, if you use it regularly. Contraction and tightening of the vaginal muscles can occur if you practice Kegel exercises. In order to get the most sensation from your partner, you can try wiping away some (but not all) of your lubrication. Also try sexual positions that change the angle of penetration and allow both of you to feel each other differently. In any case, you shouldn’t feel bad about enjoying penetration from a sex toy. Its not as if you are cheating.

I just recently got a vibrator because my boyfriend works out of state during the week and I felt I would probably need something to get me through the week without him. I tend to use it in the morning but after I have had an amazing orgasm or two, I have to go to school or work. But there is this lingering feeling that needs to be satisfied and I just can't seem to concentrate on anything else. I need to be able to function and for my clitoris to not be stimulated all day long! What can I do to calm it down for the rest of the day?

Dinah answers: Vibrators and other genital touch stimulate you by drawing blood into the vulva and orgasm releases it. With us women, our ability to have multiple orgasms means that we can get re-stimulated immediately after orgasm, which leaves you wanting more. This feeling of left-over stimulation should pass after 5-20 minutes, once the blood flows back out. If you are left feeling hot and horny, there are one of two possibilities. One option is that you are mentally tuned in to the fantasy and as long as you keep thinking about the sexy feeling, the enjoyment, your lover or any other element of fantasy that keeps your head in that space, you are likely to be reminding your body to stay ready for more. You need to clear out your head and allow the orgasm to wash all the tension and needs away. If necessary, while you have your toy out, give yourself another orgasm or a few more, until you feel properly released. The other possibility, one which is far less likely, is that your veins and erectile tissue in the area of the vulva don’t manage to drain properly. This would not be caused by using the vibrator or by anything else you have done, it is simply something that happens to some women. Do not assume that this is the case, but if the problem does not pass and continues to bother you, speak to your gynecologist about this possibility. There are ways of managing and treating it.

My girlfriend got a very big vibrator as a birthday present from her friend recently. We are in a distance relationship and she deems the vibrator will help alleviate her sexual cravings in my absence. We are a happy couple and i enjoy her vagina as it is, because it fits pretty well with my penis. The vibrator she got is far bigger than my penis and my worry is that excessive use will cause her vagina to loosen up to the size of the vibrator which may affect our sex life. Am i unrealistic or insane?

Dinah answers: Your concern is natural and understandable. But there is no real foundation to get worried. The basic work of a vibrator is to vibrate, which means that whatever its shape (lipstick-sized or porn-star proportioned), it is always best used on the clitoris. Of course there are some women who like to use a vibrator internally, to get that sensation of penetration, but research has shown that over time, women insert vibrators less and less, and simply head for the pot of gold which is the nerve centre of it all – the clitoris. If your girlfriend does choose to use it internally, there is not much stretching that will take place, as long as the toy is within the realm of normal in size. The kind of dildos/vibrators that are grossly over-sized tend to be very uncomfortable and designed for a joke and not for a vagina. If, as you say, your relative proportions match one another well, and if she is satisfied with sex just as you are, then it seems that a toy that is so over-sized may not be something she enjoys inserting anyway. You need to talk to her about how she enjoys using it. She might calm you down by saying that she uses it mostly externally, in which case the size has little significance, except for fantasy (which is totally legitimate). Or, if she trusts that you can handle her honesty, she might tell you she enjoys inserting this size because it creates a new and exciting sexual sensation that she enjoys. If you can allow her place for fulfilling that sexual taste, you will find that you have a girlfriend who respects your sexual confidence and understanding, and this will make you so much hotter in a woman’s eyes. Just remember that dildos and vibrators can have speed and size on their side, but they never replace the different kind of pleasure that you get from a partner, who can learn and integrate different needs and wants and with whom you can have sex with all the feelings that you bring along. Having said that, sex with toys is a great way to carry your sexuality over long-distances and to keep you both satisfied and comfortable that your partner is being safe and faithful while you’re away. Consider asking her to describe her experiences to you, by phone or email, so that you can get extra bang for her buck, if you’ll excuse the pun. And if she enjoys it, maybe you can get her her next toy, one that makes you feel less unnerved. Just take a look at some vibrator reviews to understand how much wide and unthreatening the range of pleasure is.

i have just recently gotten into pleasuring myself using a vibrator and i have noticed that since i have started, it is harder for my partner to get me to orgasm. it this because of the vibrator? i'm worried he thinks it's something he's doing, but it honestly isn't. it just seems to be taking so much longer and he gets tired and then i feel bad and then i give up and do it myself later...

Dinah answers: In pure physiological terms, your vibrator should only be helping you orgasm more and with greater ease; whereas men tend to “store up” there orgasms and they get stronger after abstaining from sex for some time, with women it is the opposite – the more we have orgasms, the easier they come. Perhaps something is bothering you when you have sex with your partner, something that you are free from when you are alone with the toy. Or perhaps, as many women learn, the kind of stimulation that the vibrator places on the clitoris is stronger and more direct than anything a human hand and penis can do, and you are comparing the experience. I would suggest you try to relate to each of these sexual sensations as entirely different sexual actions, just like kissing and intercourse – neither one should come at the expense of the other, but rather they should inspire each other. I would also suggest that you ask your partner if he would be interested to see you orgasm from a vibrator, and this way you can introduce your vibe into your lovemaking. Using a sex toy as a couple is very erotic for both of you and can solve some of the problems you describe. You might want to explain to him that the pleasure that you get from sex is a very different kind of pleasure to that which you experience with a vibrator and that the one kind does not “tire you out” for the other.

I have a bullet. I use it quite often. I only use it externally never insert it. While using the bullet It will make me urinate every time even if I have just gone to the washroom just before I use it. Is this normal, am I doing something wrong, and is this in any way harming my bladder or something else?

Dinah answers: Women have vastly different expressions of release when they orgasm. Some laugh, some cry, some scream and others become speechless. There are some women who experience emissions when they orgasm or even when they get highly aroused. This could be urination, or it could be your natural lubrication being released as your arousal increases. Another possibility is that you are ejaculating. This is nothing like a male’s ejaculation, and although most women do not experience this, female ejaculation is well documented and quite normal. It is close to urine in texture but it is not urine, which would explain how this happens even when you have just urinated. Read more about female ejaculation In any case you should know that you cannot do any harm by stimulating your clitoris and vulva with a vibrator, especially one as simple as the bullet. In the long run this can only aid your sexual response and your general wellbeing.

I have a vibrator dildo which I use frequently. I have noticed that the colour of my vagina have changed from pink to brown. I am over 50 years of age and just wondering if it is the vibrator that changed my vagina's colour or is it an age factor? I am a white person. Hope you can help.

Dinah answers: Your question raises a few interesting options. It is not clear whether the colour has permanently changed, or if your vulval area becomes a darker colour only during arousal or perhaps only when it is not aroused? Vulvas tend to become brighter pink or red during arousal because of the huge influx of blood to the area. Your mention of the vibrator/dildo is significant. Frequent use of a dildo will keep your muscles and tissue active and strong, and this can only contribute to your vaginal health and vitality. But the cheaper PVC/plastic based toys may be doing some damage while they are providing you with pleasure and a good workout. Their colours tend to fade and sometimes seep, because the plastic is not as stable as stronger materials such as silicone. It is unlikely that a toy could literally paint your vulva, but it may be worthwhile anyway to check out what you are using. The rule of thumb is that if it has a smell, especially after being stored in a closed space, then the material is unstable. If you use your vibrator often, I’d recommend you invest in a good quality one. Having said all that, I don’t believe that either of these factors explain a change in colour of this type. It could be related to hormonal changes, so I would strongly suggest you discuss it with a gynecologist after having a pelvic exam.

Hi. I am wondering, can you get sores/blisters/irritation on your vagina if you dont wash your vibrator?

Dinah answers: Depending on the type of vibrator, you can transfer a crazy amount of bacteria and other bugs. Silicone and hard plastic are the best because they don’t get micro tears, which the other plastics do in time., but they can still carry bugs if you don’t clean them well. Bacteria can get into tears, micro pores or even into little crevices. They will thrive if you don’t wash the toy well, because they are given warmth and moisture to sustain the bugs and then they are often stored in dark, closed up places. In short – a bacterial dream! Such infection and reinfection from a “sick” toy can indeed lead to itching and sores. You don’t need to buy special toy cleaner; it won’t do any harm, except to your pocket. You can use any anti-bacterial soap which you can find at any pharmacy. It is very important that you let your vibrator dry completely before packing it away. Cleaning your vibrator may stop you from reinfecting yourself, but it may not get rid of the bugs that are causing the soreness, assuming that this is the cause. You’d be well advised to visit your gynecologist or family doctor and have them give you a check up. I hope you feel better soon.

Is it safe to use really large dildos? When I do, I often get perineal tears that are very painful and that bleed slightly for a few days. Also, my lower abdomen is extremely sore and all the muscles feel really painful and bruised. Am I doing permanent damage to my body?

Dinah answers: Any tearing and bleeding that results from insertion of dildos means that you are using too much force and are lacking in lubrication. Both vaginal and anal passages can stretch to many times their original size, but this needs to be done responsibly. Perineal tearing, which would result from aggressive anal insertion, would involve intense pain, so it is unlikely that a person could do this to her or himself unless pain was the sensation that she or he was seeking. Tears like this will heal, but could leave scar tissue which is tighter and less sensitive than the original tissue. It would be fair to say that long-term damage is probable from the tearing. Internal sensitivity could mean that you are also tearing the internal tissue, leaving yourself in pain and vulnerable to infections and STDs. If the size of the dildo is something you like and are turned on by, use large amounts of lubricant and consider working up to the larger size with dildos of a smaller girth (width). You may find that the sensation that they product is even better when the tissue is not stretched and the nerves can feel just the movement.

I recently purchased a personal massager for external genital (clitoral) stimulation during foreplay & intercourse. Hubby's hand gets tired sometimes.... I have also experienced some soreness from time to time (from his fingers...he's gentle). Is there any truth to the idea that there are adverse physiological effects, such as dependency, with using a personal massager. We have great times of physical intimacy and I have regularly experienced multiple orgasms for over 15 years of marriage.

Dinah answers: There is absolutely no basis to the myth of “vibrator addiction”. It is a very popular misnomer, though, probably because so many people are threatened by them. Physiologically, your body can only become more responsive from experiencing different forms of stimulation, so enjoy the tireless toy and let your hubby get involved too, if he wishes; he’ll find it just as much fun – possibly even more. As sex goes, vibrators are as safe as you get, as long as you keep it clean (soap and water will do) and don’t do anything that causes pain. Read more about worries people have about using vibrators

I recently had a prolapsed bladder, called a cystocele. I had it repaired along with a vaginal floor tightening- childbirth had caused some damage. Before my surgery, where my vagina had become laxed and had to be repaired, I used a vibrator for clitoral stimulation. My question is, can a vibrator cause weakened pelvic floor muscles, and basically a loose vagina? Since I had everything kind of nip'd and tuck'd I don't want to cause it to lose its tightness. I do kegal exercises now regularly (daily) and I just want to make sure that my mini vibrator won't go damaging the repair that was made.

Dinah answers: I’d like to differentiate here between a vibrator, which is meant for clitoral stimulation, which need not be used for penetration at all, and a dildo, which is meant for penetration. This distinction is sometimes blurred because so many toys are effectively vibrating dildos. As long as you continue using your vibrator clitorally or on the labia, it will have no effect on the vaginal muscles, with the possible (positive) exception of some contractions during orgasm. Orgasm, whether it is brought on by clitoral or vaginal stimulation, can only strengthen your pelvic floor muscles because it basically exercises them. When it comes to insertion, a wide toy will stretch the vagina in time, just like a penis will. The vagina is muscular; repetitive penetration of any object that is wider than your current vaginal state will stretch is over time, and your kegels will keep this in check. If you are interested in vaginal stimulation, why not try a slimmer vibrating dildo. You should be able to find something that suits your needs from among the “My First” range or similar toys for first timers. Remember that if your vagina is narrower, you should be able to enjoy sensation from smaller proportioned objects than before the operation.

I use a vibrator strictly for clitoral stimulation but am often disappointed in the lack of power--and my current one uses a 9V battery! I understand the electrical ones have more power, but the battery operated ones are a lot more mobile! Can you recommend one with multiple speeds/extra power?

Dinah answers: It’s difficult to recommend a specific product without understanding your preferences, your taste and of course how much noise is permissible; some of the stronger devices sometimes mimic lawn mowers! Your best bet is page through the vibrator reviews and decide for yourself. You are correct in noting that electric vibrators are supremely powerful, but there are also battery-operated and rechargeable options with great strength. I would also suggest that you try using the toy differently, moving it around more and experimenting with varied amounts of lubricant. This may help to tease the clitoris more and allow it to become more sensitive, instead of using intense, constant stimulation, which tends to numb some of the sensation.

I am 36 and looking for an entry-level, beginner vibrator. I have A LOT of trouble reaching orgasm, and am finally at a point in my life where I would like to learn about my sexuality. I am overwhelmed with the vibrator lingo and assortment (there seem to be thousands of different kinds). Which one do you recommend for a beginner who has orgasmed before in her life, but not often and not for years.

Dinah answers: I definitely understand your sense that there are so many options that you wouldn’t know where to start. But if you simplify the criteria, you’ll find that almost all the toys are versions of a few basic prototypes. If you are having trouble reaching orgasm I would suggest trying a basic, non-phallic vibrator that is designed for clitoral stimulation. It doesn’t have to be specially shaped or have any special functionality; all you need is a device that will vibrate and have various speeds. You can find vibes like the pocket rocket , the plain hard vibe or the bullet on any site and in any shop. Don’t be distracted by colours, sizes and attachments. If you don’t know how to start your search, ask to see the cheapest vibrators in the store/site and work your way up. Remember your first vibrator is unlikely to be your lifelong companion, it doesn’t have to be an investment. I don’t want to give you any more specific recommendations because I think that every woman brings her own taste into the equation – whether it is jelly, hard plastic or metal-like, phallic, lipstick or bullet-shaped, etc. Any vibrator that is designed for the clitoris and has enough power for your needs will do the job, so take whatever appeals to you more. The prices aren’t high, and there will always be opportunities to upgrade or diversify.

We are in our fifties and love sex, with the freedom of empty nest we are getting more adventurous! My wife has suggested that we try electro sex i.e. using TENS or EMS as an electrical muscle stimulant, this she has been told might help muscle tone in the right places. I have looked at various sights on the web and find that it is quite costly. Adding exchange costs to the Australian dollar from the greenback doesn't help. Cost is not so important to stop us buying something of value. For something we just want to try and are not sure off the result (rave revues don't always help if they come from the vendor) we wonder if a sports unit with pads might work. Can you offer any advice?

Dinah answers: TENS is essentially a pain management instrument that generates electric impulses, causing the body to release its own endorphins. It also helps stiffness and muscle tension by increasing blood circulation, making it best for nerve-related pain. EMS is an instrument usually used for rehabilitation of muscles after trauma but also for relaxation for stiff, sore muscles, in other words, for pain related to muscular problems. Both TENS and EMS are used by some people who practice BDSM (Bondage, Dominance, Sadism & Masochism). Through the internet they are relatively easy to get hold of, but the question of safety is critical. Various manufacturers of TENS and EMS systems have received FDA approval, meaning they have undergone stringent testing and have been found safe for use. BUT they have been approved for use in pain management, on specific areas of the body. I would not recommend adapting the use of this without hard data on their long-term safety. If muscle tone “in the right places” is what you are after, there are no short cuts. You are going to have to learn to do your Kegel exercises, and that goes for both of you. The pelvic floor muscles (Kegels) are not close to the surface so trying to exercise them by EMS while you watch TV isn’t going to be helpful. You need to exercise them actively. This will improve her tone and it will give you both better control and sensation. If electro sex is something you are into discovering, I can suggest you get updates on what’s new on the vibrator market, because there are interesting innovations appearing all the time. Finally – a word on keeping sex exciting. You seem to be looking into various directions to improve the physical stimulation, but this is just part of the picture. Why not also take your adventures into the mental zone: fantasy, role-play and enjoying your empty nest for the thrill of have sex on the washing machine.

Can you please remind me how to clean the silicone type of vibe toys? Although its battery operated I'm hesitant to put it under soap and water....

Dinah answers: Actually, soap and water is just the thing for silicone toys. You don’t need to give it a shower, because if you get the motor wet, your vibrator will become a dildo! Just a basic wipe down after each passion session is all you need, as long as you are the sole user. Sharing toys demands proper safe sex protocol. Silicone does not have micro-pores which store bacteria, so it is really easy to keep clean. For this reason, don’t feel you need to buy special toy cleaner solutions; they may be stylish, but they go beyond the call of duty.

I am a virgin (and more than a little frustrated). I recently plucked up my courage and bought a vibrator. However when I use it I can't seem to insert it fully. Is this because I am a virgin and it is blocked by my hyman or am I doing something wrong. What do you suggest?

Dinah answers: Well done for being proactive. I hope the act of getting yourself a vibrator as well as the sensations it gives, will help you feel less frustrated. After all, virginity is a very vague term and being able to orgasm without having been with a partner may or may not make you a virgin – the definition is up to you. As far as vibrators are concerned, using them internally is not necessarily their best use. The motion that they produce is best suited to your clitoris and not your vagina. Having said that, once you are highly aroused and your vagina is well lubricated, entering it should be smoother and easier. It is possible that your hymen is thicker and not easily torn, or you have a sheath across part of the vaginal entrance, which would need to be cut away by a simple procedure. And there is always the chance that you are simply tensing up those ring muscles of the vagina in fear and anticipation of penetration. If so, you will need to learn to relax the muscles to allow painless insertion. The only way you can properly verify which of these conditions are relevant to you, would be to visit a gynecologist for a check up.

I have a new vibrator that has stopped working. I tried changing the batteries but this hasn’t helped. I paid a lot for it, so I am not ready to replace it, and I can't face asking someone to fix it for me.

Dinah answers: You don’t have to be an electrician to figure out the wiring of a battery operated toy. The mechanism is very basic, and if you open the machine up, you might well find that one of the wires has come loose. There are only two wires for each battery mechanism. Don’t worry about hurting yourself; just keep excess fingers out of the way, while you adjust the wires. I wouldn’t recommend doing the same with an electric vibrator. On the other hand, the electric ones are better constructed and should come with the same guarantee that all your household appliances do.

I bought my first vibrator months ago under pressure from someone else. Every time I think about opening the box and trying it out, I don’t have the nerve to do it. Am I a lost case?

Dinah answers: You’d be surprised how many women I hear this from. As strange as it seems, some women have more daring when they’re with their friends, than when they are alone. Don’t give up the attempt. You may like the feeling it gives you, or prefer other stimulation, but if it’s already there, just give it a chance. If you are worried about inserting it, you should know that whatever the shape, vibrations are best for external use on the clitoris. Try it with and without a bit of extra lubrication. Don’t think too much about it. It’s not a crude act that will spoil you for all other sex; it’s just another way to test your sexual response. Remember, knowledge is power, so use it well.

My girlfriend just bought herself a vibrator. I thought that our sex was pretty good, now I feel a bit insulted. Is this meant to be a criticism?

Dinah answers: You, your girl and the vibrator do not make a three-some! You are now a couple with a few more options. The fact that she told you about the new acquisition may mean that she wants to use it with you, which you should really enjoy if you think about it. The vibe can give her clitoral stimulation that no human could possibly provide – in terms of the intensity. On the other hand, YOU can hold, touch, speak and give her the full treatment. You can also enjoy watching her get off, without being too occupied with getting her off yourself. It’s a show worth seeing. While you’re at it, try the vibe on your body to learn what fun it can be. Just don’t insert someone else’s toy anywhere, unless you zap on a condom (on the toy, not on you, buddy!)

My friends got together and bought me a vibrator. It was really sweet of them, but what they don’t know is that I already have one, which I've had for a few years. The new one looks much spiffier but it has a weird smell that my old one doesn’t. Am I just being tight-assed?

Dinah answers: Actually, it’s good that you asked. Vibrators and toys that give off smell, those made of jelly-like plastic, are probably unhealthy when used directly against your skin. Read more about this here. If they were kids’ toys, they’d be illegal. You can either use the new toy with a condom, or trade it in (if it hasn’t been used) for a toy made of silicone or hard plastic. While you’re at it, you should probably speak to your friends. First of all tell them that they’re fabulous for having your best interests at heart. Then warn them, since they may well have bought similar ones for themselves.

What is the chance that after using a vibrator, I will not be able to orgasm from regular sex? Can it make my clit less responsive to human touch?

Dinah answers: This is probably the most common worry that prevents a lot of curious women from trying out vibrators. And it’s all based on a myth that once you’ve felt the power of an electric orgasm, you can never go back. If you are one of those women who can’t orgasm without a bit of extra power, then what’s the point in avoiding toys? And if you are able to orgasm from touch or intercourse, then using a toy will just add some variation. You can be assured that apart from getting you there quicker and not getting tired along the way, a good vibe will not change your sensitivity in the future. What it may do is cause some numbness immediately after using it, especially if you experience extended, repeated orgasm. This can be reduced by placing it a little further away from the clitoris, and adding a glop of lube.
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